Cyclists.
I think some of you may have been expecting this one. It's been an old favourite in the Stevie rant collection for some considerable time now, and sooner or later it was going to appear on the blog.
I hate them.
They never seem to get it right.
These days, if you hit one of the inconsiderate, self-satisfied little oiks, you are looked upon with more derision that a carpet-bomber of Kurdistan or a fundamental terrorist.
They pay no bloody road tax (and no, paying it for you car sitting at home on the drive doesn't count, if you have two cars, you pay two lots of tax, why should you be allowed on the road with another vehicle for free?).
When we've gone to the trouble to give them 30% of the pavement, (which is for bloody pedestrians) in the form of a cycle lane, they happily use it, until it reaches a junction, at which point, they immediately adopt their favourite stance, that of some sort of bizarre "diplomatic immunity" that they think they have from the rules of the road. They will then proceed to zip across the road, regardless of traffic light status, or launch into some kind of pavement/road/ crossing combo, ignoring the lights for either vehicle or pedestrian, to the best of their ability.
At least the Dutch use a bell!
If you happen to be the victim of these lunatics and accidentally run them over as they perform their multi-surface combo, you're likely to get put up against a wall and shot.
A sad by-product of these cycle lanes is the fact that they then assume they have divine right to cycle on any bit of bloody pavement they see there-after! No! You are not bloody ten years old and wearing stabilizers, get off the bloody pavement!
For the pavement riding variety of Cyclist I suggest an effective solution. Simply carry a sturdy stick at all times, and should you see one approaching, thrusting it vigorously through their spokes as they pass should sufficiently cure them of their problem.
The other breed of cyclist is an altogether more irritating animal and needs to be dealt with far more aggressively.
The morons that insist on riding on the road two abreast.
No matter the width (or lack thereof) of the road. No matter that a twenty ton lorry is coming the other way and you need to use your side of the road and not just two feet in the middle of it.
Still they insist on riding alongside their fellow moron, perhaps comparing silly tight shorts or water containers, apparently oblivious to the traffic scenario ahead.
Truly the ultimate in bloody stupid selfish individuals, there is only one sensible solution for these people.
Exploding helmets.
Helmets should become obligatory for cyclists.
With the wonders of modern technology, we could simply insert small explosive devices into the helmets, and, should strategically placed sensors at the side of the road indicate that a cyclist has ridden two abreast for any longer than the amount of time required for over-taking, the device is triggered.
Now you can all see the benefit this can bring to mankind. Kind of Darwinism for two-wheeled idiots. But there is another benefit.
If one places the the explosives on the left of the helmet, should it have cause to go off, there's a good possibility it may also take out the OTHER offending rider! Killing two nerds with one stone as it were.
So, come on drivers and pedestrians, lets reclaim our roads and streets from these self satisfied individuals. Pick up your sturdy sticks, write to your MP about exploding helmets, and one day we will once more be able to travel our highways and byways in peace and safety, without fear of seeing anymore dayglo green or yellow unless it's on a council worker.
I hate them.
They never seem to get it right.
These days, if you hit one of the inconsiderate, self-satisfied little oiks, you are looked upon with more derision that a carpet-bomber of Kurdistan or a fundamental terrorist.
They pay no bloody road tax (and no, paying it for you car sitting at home on the drive doesn't count, if you have two cars, you pay two lots of tax, why should you be allowed on the road with another vehicle for free?).
When we've gone to the trouble to give them 30% of the pavement, (which is for bloody pedestrians) in the form of a cycle lane, they happily use it, until it reaches a junction, at which point, they immediately adopt their favourite stance, that of some sort of bizarre "diplomatic immunity" that they think they have from the rules of the road. They will then proceed to zip across the road, regardless of traffic light status, or launch into some kind of pavement/road/ crossing combo, ignoring the lights for either vehicle or pedestrian, to the best of their ability.
At least the Dutch use a bell!
If you happen to be the victim of these lunatics and accidentally run them over as they perform their multi-surface combo, you're likely to get put up against a wall and shot.
A sad by-product of these cycle lanes is the fact that they then assume they have divine right to cycle on any bit of bloody pavement they see there-after! No! You are not bloody ten years old and wearing stabilizers, get off the bloody pavement!
For the pavement riding variety of Cyclist I suggest an effective solution. Simply carry a sturdy stick at all times, and should you see one approaching, thrusting it vigorously through their spokes as they pass should sufficiently cure them of their problem.
The other breed of cyclist is an altogether more irritating animal and needs to be dealt with far more aggressively.
The morons that insist on riding on the road two abreast.
No matter the width (or lack thereof) of the road. No matter that a twenty ton lorry is coming the other way and you need to use your side of the road and not just two feet in the middle of it.
Still they insist on riding alongside their fellow moron, perhaps comparing silly tight shorts or water containers, apparently oblivious to the traffic scenario ahead.
Truly the ultimate in bloody stupid selfish individuals, there is only one sensible solution for these people.
Exploding helmets.
Helmets should become obligatory for cyclists.
With the wonders of modern technology, we could simply insert small explosive devices into the helmets, and, should strategically placed sensors at the side of the road indicate that a cyclist has ridden two abreast for any longer than the amount of time required for over-taking, the device is triggered.
Now you can all see the benefit this can bring to mankind. Kind of Darwinism for two-wheeled idiots. But there is another benefit.
If one places the the explosives on the left of the helmet, should it have cause to go off, there's a good possibility it may also take out the OTHER offending rider! Killing two nerds with one stone as it were.
So, come on drivers and pedestrians, lets reclaim our roads and streets from these self satisfied individuals. Pick up your sturdy sticks, write to your MP about exploding helmets, and one day we will once more be able to travel our highways and byways in peace and safety, without fear of seeing anymore dayglo green or yellow unless it's on a council worker.
posted by Stevie at 9:23 am
2 Comments:
And tell me oh wise one, how many people have cyclists killed and maimed over say the past year comared to motorists? :p
Generally only themselves by their own stupidity, unfortunately the poor bastard who's car they rolled under then has to live with it for the rest of their life.
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