Between Thoughts & Dreams...
It's fucking irritating to be gripped by the realisation of one's pointlessness in the big scheme of things. Particularly at 1 o'clock in the morning.
At 1 o'clock in the morning, whilst some things seem clearer, many thoughts disappear into a quagmire of confusion. It's that bloody awful period between waking and sleep, between thoughts and dreams. The issues that crowd your head, your daily life's ups and downs, get all jumbled up with each other. Stir it up with a sleepy brain, the odd drug or two, too much cheese and an already over-active imagination and you end up with a fucking awful mess. Is there any wonder dreams are weird? Often in my dreams, in some way or another I am still back working in a newsagents, or with the people I worked there with. That was ages ago, and it was bloody boring, yet it often pops into my sleeping reality. There's no escaping life's little banalities, even in dreams.
I'm feeling pretty disappointed and let down right now.
Feelings that are always made worse by the fact that you know full well, the only person who really built you up to a much higher expectation of events than was healthy, was of course yourself. You'll blame others of course. That's expected. But it's a real shit, trying to 'not get excited' about something, 'not build one's hopes up' etc. The second that thought enters your head, your hopes are already up, you are too excited.
It was arrogant of me to think that I could do something that would make a difference. I'm well aware of the abilities of the badger to promote arrogance, and his aunt's propensity towards egocentricity. Nonetheless I did, for a short time at least, convince myself that I might be able to perform a role that was for a greater good or a higher purpose, if only in some small way. Obviously allowed myself to be 'fished in' there then. Arse.
Religion...
I think I've just realised why mankind invented religion (other than to control one another) it gives you a way to pretend your life has a purpose on those occasions when you don't know which way to turn. You don't need it during the good times of course, when you're happy, you have drive and focus, or you think you do, and who cares anyway, because you're happy!
When you are not, religion points the way, any way, the direction is not important, so long as it's going somewhere.
So religion is kind of like a map. When you're not lost, you don't need it, stuff it in life's glove compartment and put your foot down. One day when you lose your way, pull it out, scratch your head for a bit, then power on, full of new-found confidence and direction.
The problem I have now is a tough one though.
Since I've realised that the map doesn't actually show me where to go, it's just a placebo, designed to get you going in 'a' direction, it's lost it's motivational power for me.
I reckon I need to start making my own map.
At 1 o'clock in the morning, whilst some things seem clearer, many thoughts disappear into a quagmire of confusion. It's that bloody awful period between waking and sleep, between thoughts and dreams. The issues that crowd your head, your daily life's ups and downs, get all jumbled up with each other. Stir it up with a sleepy brain, the odd drug or two, too much cheese and an already over-active imagination and you end up with a fucking awful mess. Is there any wonder dreams are weird? Often in my dreams, in some way or another I am still back working in a newsagents, or with the people I worked there with. That was ages ago, and it was bloody boring, yet it often pops into my sleeping reality. There's no escaping life's little banalities, even in dreams.
I'm feeling pretty disappointed and let down right now.
Feelings that are always made worse by the fact that you know full well, the only person who really built you up to a much higher expectation of events than was healthy, was of course yourself. You'll blame others of course. That's expected. But it's a real shit, trying to 'not get excited' about something, 'not build one's hopes up' etc. The second that thought enters your head, your hopes are already up, you are too excited.
It was arrogant of me to think that I could do something that would make a difference. I'm well aware of the abilities of the badger to promote arrogance, and his aunt's propensity towards egocentricity. Nonetheless I did, for a short time at least, convince myself that I might be able to perform a role that was for a greater good or a higher purpose, if only in some small way. Obviously allowed myself to be 'fished in' there then. Arse.
Religion...
I think I've just realised why mankind invented religion (other than to control one another) it gives you a way to pretend your life has a purpose on those occasions when you don't know which way to turn. You don't need it during the good times of course, when you're happy, you have drive and focus, or you think you do, and who cares anyway, because you're happy!
When you are not, religion points the way, any way, the direction is not important, so long as it's going somewhere.
So religion is kind of like a map. When you're not lost, you don't need it, stuff it in life's glove compartment and put your foot down. One day when you lose your way, pull it out, scratch your head for a bit, then power on, full of new-found confidence and direction.
The problem I have now is a tough one though.
Since I've realised that the map doesn't actually show me where to go, it's just a placebo, designed to get you going in 'a' direction, it's lost it's motivational power for me.
I reckon I need to start making my own map.
posted by Stevie at 12:48 am
2 Comments:
Very true about religion! That's why richer countries (bar the US which is an exception to the rule) have a smaller religious population than poorer ones. If you were starving in the desert of Sudan or rummaging through a landfill site in Phillipines then I imagine the only thing that would keep you going was the belief that there has to be something better than this in the next life.
hate that thing when you get your hopes up over something, only to have them dashed - it's rough.
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